I know you are probably excited to dive in to this week’s content but I’ve gotta know something first. After last week’s post, did you start trying to create good habits, or at least get rid of 1 bad habit? You’ve gotta start somewhere! If you have already started and stopped, rest assured, you can start again right now! Today! If you’re starting or starting over today, send me an email and let me know what you’re working on! Okay, now let’s get back to people pleasing.
Have you ever done something for someone because you felt bad for them? You didn’t really want to do it but they guilted you into it? Or maybe you just thought, they’re a good person, and you should do it for them. Afterall, you wouldn’t want them to be mad at you! If you don’t help them who will? Okay friend, let’s stop this craziness right here. Stop doing things that don’t serve you!
As women it seems to come easier for us to be people pleasers. We try to do what people want us to do, as opposed to doing what we want to do. We try not to make waves or to make anyone unhappy with us. Maybe it stems from childhood when we’re told to be a “good little girl.” You don’t have to do what other people consider good. What’s good for them, may not be good for you! You only have to do what feels right to you.
Why being a people pleaser isn’t a good thing!
You’re a grown adult and can make your own decisions and live your own life. You can’t do what other people want you to do all the time. It may not align with who you are! Brooke Castillo host of the Life Coach School Podcast says you are lying, by doing something just to please other people. Think of a time when you agreed to help a friend or family member, but you really didn’t want to. You lied if you told them you’d love to help. The problem is, once you start saying yes, it can become a habitual ask from your family or friends. You have to draw a line in the sand and say no. Stand up for yourself otherwise you are robbing yourself of your time and your future.
If you are constantly giving your time, your energy and/or your resources to others, then you are left drained. Often times, what you give people will gladly take. What is the repercussion of giving away all that you’ve got? You are making their glass half full, but draining yours. Consider tending to your own needs first and then set healthy boundaries! Don’t give to others at the expense of yourself!
Lastly, if you are being a people pleaser, you are enabling someone you love. If you constantly say yes to friends and family, then you are enabling them from realizing what they are capable of! They may need to have that experience, to teach them something. Don’t take that opportunity from them.
The first way to stop being a people pleaser.
The first thing you can do to stop being a people pleaser is to ask yourself, does this bring me joy? If the answer is no, tell the person requesting the favor no. Try to stick to your no, as often as possible, if the outcome doesn’t bring you joy. Your happiness matters! You have to be intentional about the life you are living and the life you want to create!
The second way to stop being a people pleaser.
The second way to stop being a people pleaser is to come up with a mantra that you can say to yourself when someone asks you for a favor. According to Psych Central “Figure out a mantra you can say to yourself to stop you from people-pleasing. It can even be a visual as simple as a big “No” flashing when a certain friend who can always talk you into something” approaches you.” Another example of a mantra is “every time I say yes to them, I am saying no to myself, my business, and my life.” You are in fact saying no to the things you want to do or accomplish, by saying yes to someone else!
The third way to stop being a people pleaser.
The third way to stop being a people pleaser is to act like yourself and realize that you are awesome as you are right now. You have the ability to make a mark in this world, even if nobody seems to understand what you’re doing. Maybe your ideas and creations haven’t gained any traction, that’s okay, it doesn’t make them any less important. Bishop T.D. Jakes was interviewed by Oprah in The Disease to Please interview and he said “Most world leaders were understood after their life, than during their life. If you need everybody to understand you before you do it, you’re gonna be dead before you’re understood. You better go ahead and live on purpose!” Don’t say what people want to hear or do what people want you to do. Do what your heart calls you to do and live on purpose.
The fourth way to stop being a people pleaser
The fourth was to stop being a people pleaser is to stop coming up with excuses!!! Just say no! If you don’t want to do something that is okay, you don’t have to come up with a reason why you cannot do it. If you want to stay home and don’t feel like going out, that’s reason enough! Your time is just that, your time. It is valuable! Don’t apologize for what you want in life. Rachel Hollis author of Girl stop apologizing says “Embracing the idea that you can want things for yourself even if nobody else understands the whys behind them is the most freeing and powerful thing in the world.
The fifth way to stop being a people pleaser.
The fifth and final way to stop being a people pleaser is to be decisive. Start with making small decisions, like where you will go out to eat. Have you ever gone out to dinner, and told you partner to just decide where you’d go? Why is that? If you are anything like I was, “I don’t care” was my standard answer. In the book the success principles Jack Canfield suggests you ask yourself, if you had to pick something, what would you pick? Just try it. You may think, you are doing your spouse a favor by letting them make the decisions, when your actually just putting more pressure on them! You have a voice, and you were meant to use it! Being decisive allows you to stand firm in your answers, and not be a push over.
Being in a people pleaser probably feels like it’s a part of your DNA by now! Once you get in the habit of people pleasing it is so hard to stop. Try to listen to your body, and stop forcing yourself to do things that you don’t want to do! I want you to consider, what in your life are you forcing yourself to do, that you no longer want to do? What are you doing that no longer serves you?
Todays action step: Identify 1 thing you are doing that is no longer in your best interest.
Shoot me an email or respond in the comments, with what you thought about this article. What resonated or didn’t resonate with you?
Talk to you soon friend
PS What’s good for someone else may not be good for you. Stand your ground!
Marie
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Great article! Really gave me some action items. Thanks! -Jane