Recently I have had several people ask me how to pursue your goals without feeling guilty about it. They feel guilty about being away from their family or kids to pursue their goals. Maybe they think their inner circle will look down on them for wanting more out of life. I get it. Have you ever had an experience where you pursued something you were excited about, and people talked negatively to you about it? It’s as if they think you’re going to be too good for them once you accomplish a goal, or maybe they feel guilty for not following their own path! Either way, it doesn’t feel right!
I’ll be honest, I didn’t know the answer when I started the blog post, and pursuing your goals without feeling a complex topic.
In my experience, shame and guilt can appear even when I haven’t done anything wrong. I then beat myself up over it anyway! Sometimes I play the “what if” game. What if they think I meant this, or that? When I play the “what if” game, I feel guilty for how they may interpret what I said, or did, or how I behaved. It’s easy to let guilt get the best of you. When it comes to goals, I wondered if our own guiltiness was getting in the way, or if it was genuinely other people trying to guilt us into not trying to pursue them.
By doing research, I got some answers and will address them in this post. You will understand the following:
The reasons you should pursue your goals now!
Why are you feeling guilty?
How do you get over that fear of hurting other people’s feelings or feeling like you are neglecting the ones that you love?
What to do, say, or think when people around you aren’t supportive of your goals.
The reasons you should pursue your goals now!
Tis the season to think about others, right? A time to put their needs before your own. But how does that leave you feeling? Do you ever have a nagging feeling that you’re supposed to be doing more with your life, but when you think that, you feel guilty? How are you supposed to pursue your goals without feeling guilty? Maybe you think that it will take away from someone or something else in your life!
You are not alone, friend! Many of us have felt that way! I want you to realize that you don’t have to wait until New Years to start setting goals and thinking about yourself! You can pursue your goals without feeling guilty! I’m not suggesting that you don’t celebrate others and what they bring to your life. I am saying, however, that you will be happier and be a better parent, spouse, friend, and co-worker when you are pursuing the things that light you up!
I want to help you with this before we step into the new year! The truth is, when we keep putting things off, it makes it harder and harder to start. I don’t want that for you!
START NOW.
PURSUE YOUR DREAMS NOW.
NOW IS THE TIME TO LIVE THE LIFE OF YOUR DREAMS!
I know you are feeling guilty over pursuing your goals, and you may not be ready. Let’s pause and dive into the guilt of goal-setting, so you can get back to dreaming big!
Why are you feeling guilty?
I watched the Oprah Winfrey Show, and she was talking to Iyanla Vanzant about why we feel guilty. Iyanla says you often feel guilty when you knew better, you caused hurt harm or injury and/or you worry about disappointing someone.
First let’s talk about the felling of knowing better. Maybe you feel like you should have known better and started your dream sooner. I mean you did have that nagging feeling all along. Most of us have felt guilt over not starting something sooner, when inspiration first hit. Wishing you had started sooner won’t change anything. All you can do is start from where you are right now and go from there.
Second of all, Iyanla said you feel guilty when you caused hurt, harm or injury to someone. Are you worried you will hurt someone close to you by pursuing your dreams? Have you been focused on them and their career but now you want to start your own? Maybe having a conversation with the person would be helpful. That way you would find out if it would actually hurt their feelings or not, and you can go from there. You can play what if game forever, but unless you actually ask, you may never know. Consider dumping the stress and having the conversation.
The third reason you may feel guilty is because your worry about disappointing someone. You are always going to disappoint someone. Is it worth disappointing them for? Will you be able to continue on not pursuing your dream without feeling like something is dying inside of you? Are you willing to let part of you die, just so that you don’t disappoint someone?
On the selfish for success podcast the host Dr. Steve Orma argues that you’re feeling guilty because you’re not being selfish enough and you’re taking care of way too many other people, and you’re not taking care of yourself. He says that if you value yourself and make choices that are healthy for you then you won’t feel so guilty or selfish. How can you properly care for others when you aren’t caring for yourself? You will run yourself into the ground trying to be everything for everyone. If you were to be selfish, what is one thing you would be willing to be selfish about?
I could easily take Dr. Orma’s advice. I can get caught up in being a people pleaser. I try to make those around me happy. When I am a yes girl, and say no to myself and my passions, I end up feeling guilty when I finally do something for myself. I would venture to guess that mothers can easily fall into that trap when they are constantly doing everything for their children and family. When I say no to things that don’t align with my vision, I feel much healthier and happier. Consider the idea that you may be a better mother when you are pursuing your passions. Would it be amazing if you were doing what you loved and felt less guilty?
So, consider why you’re feeling guilty and ask yourself if you’re just giving too much of yourself to other people, and you’re not taking your own desires into consideration.
Now, how in the world are you supposed to overcome this guilt?!
Ruth Soukup has a podcast called Do it Scared and in episode #9 she talks about guidelines to stop feeling selfish. Ruth gives these 3 guidelines.
1) It’s okay to be obsessive and there’s nothing wrong with obsessing over what you want to do. She says greatness almost always comes from an obsession and every notable achievement a person willing to be obsessed. So long as your obsession is healthy who cares? Is it for a good reason? Does it have the possibility of helping you in the long run She argues that anybody that’s ever been successful. Probably obsessed over it.
And that story really reminded me of the book Shoe Dog by Phil Night, which is the story of how Nike came to be. Phil obsessed over finding the perfect running shoe. That was like his mission for years and years, so much and finding the perfect running shoe. So, just because you’re obsessed or passionate about something doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. Imagine if Phil hadn’t been obsessive over the perfect running shoe, and Nike never came to be.
2) No season lasts forever. Sometimes you should strike while the iron is hot. Go all in. If you wait too long, you risk never jumping in and pursuing your dream. Your life circumstances may change, and you won’t be able to go all-in, so jump in while you can!
3) If everything is necessary, then nothing is important. Prioritize what matters in your life. What is most important, and what is the least important? Your family maybe most important, but who says you’re doing the wrong thing by pursuing your goals? Chasing what you want out of life can teach your family a lesson as well! It can tell your kids to do the same thing. Not only that, but it may result in you being happier! Is your happiness important to you?
In an article called Never feel guilty for Following your Dreams, it says if you do anything that’s a little out of the ordinary, or that other people secretly wish that they could do but aren’t, chances are, you will feel guilty. It feels weird doing something other people aren’t doing. Sometimes it can feel like you’re on an island of your own. Don’t feel guilty because others aren’t doing the same thing. Just keep moving, keep going towards your dream and do the next best thing from there. But just because other people aren’t doing it doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong.
An example of this is I started an online business and knew nothing about the internet or business. I didn’t know anyone else who was doing the same thing, so I joined a mastermind group. I realized that I needed to be around people who were doing something similar if I wanted to be successful and feel like I wasn’t doing this on my own. Similarly, you can create your own group locally or find a group online. Do whatever you can to find a support group, so you don’t feel abandoned.
- The Ken Coleman Show is a podcast and is also on YouTube. Ken often talks about finding a job and finding your passion, In the video Why Moms Shouldn’t Feel Guilty for Pursuing Their Dreams Ken spoke to a mother who felt like she was a terrible mom for wanting to do what she loved. This mom’s dream was to go into aviation. She wondered; how do you turn yourself away from your kids to do something like aviation? Ken suggested she do what she was passionate about so the kids could see her pursuing her doing what lit her up and excited her. In turn that would help the family. Do you deny that dream inside of you because you don’t want to be a terrible mom? Know that you can pursue your goals without feeling guilty!
I would argue if you want to be a good mom or spouse, first be healthy for yourself; so that you can be healthy for those around you, your family and friends, probably want to see you be the healthiest happiest that you can be. Rather than being terrible or selfish, you may be teaching them a lesson. Your actions are way more powerful than your words. You’re trying to show them what you want them to do what you want them to emulate.
Walk the walk and pursue that dream. Do what you love to do. And I think that your kids are more likely to follow suit. It’s amazing what happens when you see someone else just going for it, especially when somebody close to you. Sometimes it lights a fire in someone else. They think to themselves if they can do it, maybe I can do it too. Your actions might just be inspiring somebody else. Think of what lights you up. Don’t you for one second, and feel guilty about doing what you love.
In the article “8 Empowering Ways to Stop Feeling Guilty,” it suggests that you look for the evidence when you feel guilty. Don’t assume that just because you are pursuing your goals and are feeling guilty, that the feeling is accurate. If you think you’d be a bad mom for pursuing something that makes you happy, make a list of all of the things you could still do to be a good mother. Maybe you set your cell phone aside or put it on airplane mode so you won’t hear when it goes off when you’re home. You can set new parameters for you and your family. Chances are if you’re worried about being a good spouse or a good parent, you will be just fine because it’s at the front of your mind. It’s not something you are going to let fall by the wayside.
What to do, say, or think when people around you aren’t supportive of your goals.
First and foremost, realize that other people’s opinions about what you are doing, usually says more about them and their limiting beliefs, than it says about you! If someone can’t imagine a future for you, they probably couldn’t believe that future for themselves. For example pretend you said you were going to be a millionaire and your dad laughed at you. In truth, your dad probably laughed because that seemed impossible for him to do, and he didn’t know how it was possible since he hadn’t accomplished it. Why would he think you could do anything different? Maybe, people push their beliefs on you because they don’t know your path and can’t see it. It’s hard to believe in things you can’t see clearly in front of you (like Santa clause, wink wink). When it comes down to it, they can only see life through their own lens.
Anthony Tormey states, “If you instead find your friends, “encouraging” you to take the easy route, or they make you feel guilty for, “forgetting where you came from,” maybe it is time you remember where you’re going and forget about them.” It’s always so important to keep your vision in mind. Focus on the long-term outcome as opposed to the daily stressors! Know that you will never forget where you came from and don’t let the little things stress you out! The post also suggests that if your family makes you feel wrong about your dreams, you should minimize your contact with them while you continue to fight for what you want. You don’t need to tell non-supportive people about what you’re up to!
Lastly, Lydia Lee says other people may feel triggered when they see you trying to accomplish big things. Lydia says, “It makes them question the significance of their own lives, and deep down, all of us want the happiest life that we can have, but most of us are not willing to do the things necessary to get there.” Lydia suggests, “Don’t take it personally; most people’s projections of anger, irritation, or disappointment to you are usually a reflection of what they fear most inside of themselves.”
Learn to brush off other people’s critical comments and judgmental eyes. In reality, you don’t know what is behind those comments. Go with your gut feeling to determine if the comments aren’t healthy for you and your growth. If it gets under your skin ask yourself why. Is it related to an insecurity you already had? The bottom line is you are terrific and will accomplish great things in this lifetime, so long as you don’t let other people get in your way. Someone is going to judge you and your actions no matter what, so it may as well be for something that you love doing!
This life you are living in can be mediocre, or it can be amazing. Ask yourself, are you going to choose the path forward, or should someone else choose it for you? Know what makes you feel guilty and work through it. If something in particular triggers you, you can identify it and get ahead of it before you get to upset over it. Use the steps listed above to get over your guilt, and the guilt others try to send your way!
Remember to pursue your goals today and drop the feeling guilty. It doesn’t serve you! Don’t wait for another new year or another decade to start doing what you love! Take action now!
PS I’d love for you to comment on this article and tell me how you deal with feeling guilty when you pursue your goals!
PSS If you liked this article, I think you’d like my article called The 50% Rule.